OK, admit it. You know you're a jerk. But only that former special someone, the one who just dumped you, understands the extraordinary extent of your clownishness. If only you hadn't revealed your dirty secrets to the ex, you might still maintain some dignity. As it is, the memory of you will be joke material for the next 50 years.

Part 1


Your Drunken Mistake

Smack dab in the middle of your left buttocks cheek, you have a tattoo of a leprechaun doing jumping jacks in his underwear that you got after too much tequila in Tijuana.


Your Fierce Animal Nature

Your imitation of a barking Rottweiler is so good that you can use it to scare off armed burglars.


Your Disgusting Taste

When nobody’s looking, you like to pour Wishbone chunky blue cheese dressing on the leftover crust ends of your pizzas.


Your Family Feud

The real reason you and your brother quit talking is that he went to see Grandpa Homer on his deathbed in the hospice and talked the old cuss into revising his will, cutting you out and leaving him all of the 500 acres with Mississippi River frontage.


Your Abundant Paternity

You have at least four, possibly five offspring running around from your tour of duty in the Philippines twenty-five years ago.


Your Unfortunate Dysfunction

By the time you were 29 a combination of booze, high living and overuse had burned out your candle completely and your only way of functioning since has been through massive body-altering doses of Viagra.


Your Total Grossness

Your favorite thing to chew on is calluses that you clip off your hands with nail clippers and roll around on your teeth and tongue.


Your Original Orientation

Your real name wasn’t Earlene, but Earl and you got converted to Earlene by several surgeries between 2002 and 2007.


Your Weakness for Melodrama

Your favorite color is chartreuse and you cry every time you watch a melodrama about a strong-willed divorced mother fleeing from an abusive ex-husband on the Lifetime Network.


Your Clever Evasions

You owe the IRS 2.8 million dollars in back taxes. And the IRS hasn’t figured that out yet.


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